NYC: the city that bleeds the poor dry

Well, it's been almost three months and I'm still broke. Employed but broke. Every week I get a check from the job and it's gone -no frivolous spending, just bills. Luckily, I started shopping for the niece and nephew earlier. Two weeks marks my 90 days with Staples and I have finally got my benefit cards. So as a result I will be going home $39.00 poorer but at least I know that should I need a doctor I won't be paying out of pocket. Ahhh...New York, the city of commerce and greed where only the wealthiest can survive without the fear of food stamps in their immediate future. Every week I keep hearing about how the MTA is threatening to raise subway fares so I can get to where I need to late and have even more reason to bitch. Under the table labor and illegal immigration is rising and I hear all the yuppies and hipsters who can afford it are moving to Long Island City and Queens. This leaves me with very few options but to become a negative sonofabitch and start targeting affluent white people. Don't get me wrong I'm not a racist I'm just aware of where the money is and I'm willing to exhust every means possible to get what I want. Even now, I'm typing on a brand new iMac in an apple store filled with well-to-do whites and even wealthier europeans. It's enough to make your stomach turn. In just a couple of weeks I'm planning to drop a bomb on my managers by asking for $2.00 more to my hourly pay. When I initially signed on I when lower in pay than when I was with the slimeballs over at Pratt. The difference is they are a corporation with retail stores nationwide and they have 4 more shops in the works like the one I am working at in NYC alone. I helped them open and fill two stores already since my employment, I canvassed areas in which the stores were going to open, I even offer to stay late when they need assistance. This along with the annoying burden of being a keyholder makes me prime for a raise. I'm not waiting 9 months because I have a slew of bills and back rent to pay now. All I'm asking for is the means to survive in this city where it seems like only the rich can afford to work and live. I'm owed that much. If I cannot get what I'm requesting I'm walking away from the job. It's as simple as that. I work hard for a Fortune 500 company and even own stock in it now so it's time they pay me closer to what I am worth.

When it rains...

Darryl's computer burned out so now I'm writing on a cell phone. I'm getting tired of technology breaking down when you don't have the cash to replace it. It couldn't happen at a better time though, I am closer than ever to that supervisor job at Staples and I just interviewed with the V.P. at Estee Lauder on Thursday. There was one job I was very interested in that I interviewed for the week before. The position was for a development assistant with the Classic Stage Company. I really hope I get it.

It's 2007 and George W. Bush STILL doesn't care about black people!!!

well, poor people actually. George W. Bush you can talk all the shit you want and make all the empty promises you can but the end result still remains the same. You and your administration failed these people in the worst ways possible. You are full of the foulest shit and the gift of human life was wasted on you. Mayor Ray Nagin you are in an even worst position because this is your city AND your people. Your city has dramatically less housing yet housing rates have gone up 30%! It's no wonder you have homeless people camping out across from City Hall! When confronted by a CNN interviewer about the camps you refused to talk about it on air. What the fuck! In the end you aint nothing but another high yella nigga who can only look good on the camera and produce spin. Fuck doing something to improve the lives of those most affected. I applaud the resilience of the people of this city and I ask that if you cannot return to rebuild please do everything it takes to run these corrupt motherfuckers out of office! You are still citizens even if you have been displaced. Sign petitions, send letters, protest, sit in the middle of the street if you have to. Let these people who run your government know that they work for you, not the other way around. Wake up, stop bitchin' and start a revolution!

Katrina is an excuse for gentrication and whitewashing!

Ms. Kawana Jasper on voicefromthegulf.com got it correct that the government planned Katrina as an excuse to gentrify the areas of the city where blacks were predominate. Coastal real estate is always high in value. Don't be shocked if the greedy politicians and developers start to make plans to turn the devastated areas into a tourist destination with housing only the wealthy can afford. It's only a matter of time before the local government starts the use of eminent domain to secure land from the people who own it. Too many times have the wealthy and those in power pushed us "undesirables" aside to make room for more profitable ventures under the guise of "restoration". Fight for your right to live and work in New Orleans!

SHIT!...I did it again! ;-(

Normally I don't use emoticons in my everyday typing (except when I'm speakin' to my boo)but this had to be used for extra effect. I hate, HATE retail and would never go back to working in it again -consciously or unconsciously after what happened at the Prattstore. Why the vitriol? Earlier yesterday I had a 3rd and final interview at the Bryant Park STAPLES for a supervisor position. STAPLES is planning to run FedEx Kinko's out of business by opening 3 stores that will focus on print production. If you don't have STAPLES stock in your portfolio you should consider buying it now! Originally, I didn't want to get another position in retail but the constant pressure by the cost of living and Darryl's fiancial woes were weighing heavily on me.

College is a HUGE money-making scam!!!

An education at Pratt gets you nothing! At the most the only thing I have to look forward to is working as an Administrative Assistant, barely clearing 30K. And that's at a financial firm. There's no way I could get a job based on my skills and background in the arts. Sure, I could work at the Metropolitian Museum of Art as a security guard but they only pay $11.00 an hour. If you want to work the overnight forget about it! You have to wait a month or more until you can be considered. When I did get a decent paying job at Pratt I was treated like shit by my co-workers and upper management while trying to follow legal guidelines. Much to my ignorance Pratt doesn't care about breaking labor laws. That's why they have big name lawyers on retainer. The problem with schools like Pratt is that they don't teach enough about what happens out there when you can't find work or people never call. Professors and chairpeople will never tell you that the minute you get out there you'll be working in unfufilling jobs, where you will be exploited and underpaid all the while chasing your dream with little in the bank to hold you until next month. Truth be told you will be working paycheck to paycheck with little or no social life. What can you do while you are in school? Network, network, NETWORK!!! I can't tell you how valuable this is. These are future co-workers and employees. If all else fails dropout of Pratt and do something with your young lives before it's too late. There have many more than a few who have succeeded after dropping out. Nothing is worst than sitting around at your job knowing you paid over 120K to do something you have a passion for. The same is making people across the pond question the role of higher education in career development. Think I'm kidding take a peek at the link below:

http://www.google.com/search?q=cache:OEWpP1PxjvgJ:www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/artforum/saatchi_forums/topic/23010+when+a+child+must+attend+summer+school+and+you're+disappointed&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=us

Everyone's a critic!

Both weekend performances of "Friendly Fire" went incredibly well. Friday night was the most anticipated since we didn't get a tech rehearsal because of the cost. I was a ball of nerves as I had just fractured one of my back tooth eating a crunchy french fry (you heard right)and got on the phone to my mother as I didn't have insurance. Later that afternoon Darryl announced that he didn't want to go and bring his friends because he didn't want our relationship to come out. That reminds me to never use the word "friend" to describe your lover, especially in front of him to save face. I fretted for hours even though he told me not to. Like it was going to help, he knows I get obsessive. Although we were both nervous as to how it would be received both Josh and I went at it like we'd done it before an audience. After our scene ended and we took our bows and striked whatever props from the stage. According to Larissa we ran exactly 25 minutes. 25 minutes! It was as if only 3 minutes went by while we were in the space. Everyone was touched by our performance. A former vietnam veteran shook my hand and thanked me for my portrayal and it make me feel my work was validated. This, people, is why I continue to perform even when it's not for money. Joseph Lizardi was impressed and expressed strong interest in working with us again. Evan, my friend and pledge brother and his wife Zabrina were in attendance as well as long time friends Alan and Eileen. Afterwards, Alan and Eileen took me out to dinner and we discussed how I'd gotten into acting and modeling. It was a very good evening and they truly enjoyed the work I'd done. By the end of the evening there was something they said that continued to ring in my ear: what I do for money. They suggested bartending but it says alot when the people that paid for you to attend college expect you make a living in something other than what you studied. I didn't let that gnaw at me for long. After all, I've been struggling to find work, even auditioned for a job at Coldstone Creamery (yes, you heard me right) only to be descriminated against because I was "too old".
The following Saturday I'd just gotten the bad news that the tooth that was fractured needed to be extracted. I wouldn't have any problem with the removal if it didn't affect my performance later on. Funny, I don't have any coverage but soon as I get a full-time job I'll get that tooth removed and get a crown put in. Hard to believe they cost $1500 on 50% co-pay. Insurance companies claim it's cosmetic but everyone is fully aware that your socio-economic status is determined by how many teeth you have in your mouth. Just ask any wealthy hillbilly. Darryl told me he decided he was going to attend the performance later on that evening. Personally I didn't care if he did or didn't. I was just tired of his bullshit drama. The only drama I was looking forward to was the one on the stage. I finally left Darryl and the apartment after 4 p.m. to make it before 6:30 p.m. but suddenly ran into train drama due to weekend construction. After getting off of the Q train at Atlantic I found I couldn't transfer to a 2 or 3 train to catch the 1 in Manhattan. Soon, I found myself on a 4 which I got on but got off a Borough Park to catch a 2 or 3. No dice, so I jumped back on the 4 and decided to transfer to a C train because I was well aware of the fact that the B train doesn't run on weekends. Are you with me so far? Good, because somewhere in between I phoned Larissa and told her I was running late. She assured me that it was no problem because the trains were all messed up. After reading the posters scattered about in Fulton Street station I found that 2 trains were running on the 5 line and visa versa. Jumping back on a 4 train I rode it all the way up to 42nd Street, transferred to a 2 train and got off at 72nd Street station. Once I got to the theater Darryl was already waiting! For 10 minutes I expressed my displeasure at the MTA and the fact that they are talking about raising the fare, this after approving that air-clearing bullshit congestion bill. Bloomberg and his cronies in NYC government are full of shit! 'Nuff said. After the performance we were praised once again. I was even told by Darryl that people we were holding their breath, some even sobbed. I was very appreciative that Crystal and Darryl's sister, Tia could make it to my performance that evening since it was a first time for both of them. Even though our performance was emotionally charged and struck a note with people in the audience, Crystal was diasppointed. "That's all I get for $20 dollars?", she brayed. "But he cried real tears," Darryl said defending me. She continued, "you bet start tap dancin' or somethin'." You readers have to forgive Crystal, she's from the south and her idea of a good night of theatre is whatever's playing on chittlin' circuit. She's one of the reasons why "The Color Purple" is the only successful on-going black production. When I told her Larissa was talking about extending the performances she could help but be her little 'ol southern self. "Well, I hope they goin' pay you money." She continued to add that I should find something paying money. This coming from a 27 y.o. black woman who still hasn't finished her thesis to receive her Master's degree. What has it been? 2 years exactly. This from a women who's more concerned about looking for Mr. Right and having children instead of concentrating on her well-being. This from a women who keeps asking my boyfriend and I if her ass is "fat". Yeah, Crystal, you're the one to dispense advice on how to run one's life. You know what I realized? That she sounds so much like her mother and I've never even met the woman. This warranted a Texas-sized frozen drink at BBQ because it was clear to me that no matter what you do people are never satisfied.

There are no coincidences...

I just got up at 12:38am after sleeping since Darryl got home. I was really hoping to talk since the relationship between us has been strained as a result of my rejection by BMG. It sucks that money would become an issue, even come between us as a couple like it did my friend Brett and his fiancee, Sarah. Darryl said he'd never want that to happen to us. Funny. After I blew my top I told him I'd be better off making money as a prostitute because it didn't seem as if I was making any progress. He didn't take it too well. He never does. Every time I'm faced with disappointment I keep thinking about how my talents and valuable skills are being wasted on shitty 9-to-5 jobs. I keep thinking how I would be better off dead on in some gutter somewhere where I don't have to complicated Darryl's life any further. God, I never felt more alone at a time when I was in a relationship with someone. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me when shit like what happened with BMG occurs. To think that I went through the trouble of interviewing for a position I wasn't going to get makes me realize how disposable we are in this society. It got me to thinking about my survival; our survival. If Darryl doesn't want me to have sex for money then I feel I have no other choice than to take it from others. As much as I don't want to I feel obligated to risk everything to get the money to support us. I've rarely felt the need to do as such because I've always had a job to support me. But now I have someone who I'm with and I have responsibilities to attend to. Much like Jeffrey Lewis, the character I'm portraying in the play I'm rehearsing for called 'Friendly Fire'. I auditioned for the role last Sunday afternoon because the actor dropped out after he found a paying job (lucky him). According to our director, Larissa we have 11 days to get the script down for the 2 performances coming up on the 21st. Today was the first day of our rehearsals. During rehearsals I catch myself thinking about my predicament because it parallels that of Jeffrey Lewis so much, at least during the action of the play. A former vietnam vet wounded in an unfavorable war he comes seeking a job from an agent at an employment agency just as the agent is about to leave for a romantic rendevous with his wife. The interaction that takes place is nothing less than a war of words. One is a soldier and the other a civilan, they illustrate their different points of view. A few times I found myself at wits end while in scenes as the character coercing the agent to see him instead of taking off for the weekend. That's what good acting is all about; knowing your character's intentions and playing them against your partner's. There's even a line where Jeffrey states that maybe it would be better if he were "dead in some gutter where nobody would give a fuck about him", people like the agent and the country he fought for. In our rehearsal Larissa said something that resonated with me. That "this is the reason for incidents like the Columbine and Virgina Tech shootings." She continued, "this is about people wanting, needing to be seen for one reason or another." That is what I've been trying to do for the length of my career. That's what I was trying to do Friday when I went to that job interview at BMG. I knew I had the skills to perform very well in that position, if given the chance I could have done remarkably well. Unfortunately, I was never given that chance. Is it coincidence that I should take on the role of a man fighting for dignity and the chance to be seen? Of course not. There are no coincidences. God or the universe for that matter puts people in situations where they might seem effective and can learn from them. God wants me to continue acting because it knows that I am searching for something within the human condition. Be it compassion, understanding or just the opportunity to be heard. It knows that I am struggling to comprehend my purpose in the world and why society permits people to do this to one another. Fictious as the play may be there is truth to this drama. Many veterans of this war faced homelessness, unemployment, even discrimination when they returned to the U.S. Many felt they were better off dead and some spiralled into depression and drug abuse, some even took their own lives as a result of what they went through. Heavy stuff. After all is said and done I hope Darryl can understand that I took this role not just as a means of continuing my career, to avoid a paying job but because the universe wants me to learn from the experiences of others.

WTF?!!!!

Well, after some consistant prodding and brooding Darryl convinced me that I needed to get a regular job. "Aren't you tired of living in abject poverty?" Not that I disagreed. Lord knows I'd like to find some consistant work to help with rent and utilities but I've become very selective when it comes to where I apply for employment. Keep in mind that I am still recovering from the toxic shithole that was the Prattstore. As a result, I have much more self-worth and will not let anyone ever do to me what those assholes did. Suddenly, out of the blue I get an email regarding a position at BMG Columbia House. Emilie Kovit-Meyer, the assistant for the VP of Creative wanted to set up an interview for Friday to which I complied. From the description of duties it sounded like something that would be a perfect fit for me. I was psyched! Once Friday came around I was ready and the complete the application the assistant sent me to the best of my ability. My interview with Jim Gallagher went remarkably well and I was told by the hiring manager whom I would ultimately report to should I get the position. He also confided in me that he would be laying off 26 people to consolidate his division because, after all, they were acquiring 17 different book clubs through Doubleday and Random House. Why he told me this I DON'T KNOW! What he was looking for simply, was an assistant. Basically I would have been Ugly Betty. LOL! He went further to tell me that there would be another interview later next week and that I should hear from him. After I left the building I realized I forgot to give the completed application to Jim. Getting past security would have been a bitch so I decided to do the next best thing and mail it off to his office. The following morning I found this message in my email:

Dear ---------,

Thanks so much for coming in to interview for the Creative Coordinator position at
Direct Group North America. Since only so much can be learned from a resume, the
manager greatly enjoyed meeting with you to discuss your career goals.

Unfortunately there is no suitable position for you here at this time. If something
more suitable opens up, we will be happy to consider you again.

Thank you very much for your interest in our company, and best of luck in your job
search.

Sincerely,

Human Resources
Direct Group North America

I was livid. When I first got the letter I didn't want to show Darryl because I would have felt like a failure. Nothing like a rejection letter to fuck up you self-esteem on the weekend and not even within 24 hours!. It couldn't have been because I forgot to submit the application. What more could a application give you that a resume can't other than salary history and your social security number? Why not give a nigga the opportunity to at least realize his mistake first and mail it in. But, No! Completely disqualify the candidate because he didn't give a shitty 2 page application repeating verbatim the same thing on his resume. After speaking to a few people I was told this is accepted among corporations: to advertise the position outside the company to make it fair for others. So it wasn't necessarily the application that made me unsuitable for employment. Why bother having someone go through the trouble of an interview if you're just going to send out a rejection letter the following day -and on a Saturday no less! If this is how corporate America recruits employees I am done looking for a job. I also call for an official boycott of Bertelsmann and it's subsidiaries. For those of you considering employment with BMG Columbia House forget about it because you're only going to get jerked around by corporate bureaucrats in middle management with nothing else better to do.

O Girl, O Beautiful, Oprah's Full o' Shit!

This is just Ludacris...

And then some. A little of my on-screen work from earlier. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mE1hFushcqc
http://www.ebay.com/ludacrisharley

My Independence Day

I'm counting my blessings. I'm rushing off to a shoot for Sony today. Hard to believe it 's just a year ago to the day I was fired from Pratt Institute. I'm in a different place now and (universe willing) looking forward to being in a much better place next year.

Unnecessary Bullshit!

The following is an email correspondence from yesterday morning:

Me:

Not your fault. Thank you for your love and understanding. I hope we can make up for my selfishness last night.

Darryl:

It wasn't just that. It was all the cruising/looking at dudes, the walking off like I wasn't even there and being dumped when we were suppossed to be hanging together. I felt like I probably shouldn't have come by the end of the night. Now I know I shouldn't have. I certainly felt like shit when I got home. And unfortunately still do.

On Wednesday afternoon I met Darryl after work for dinner at Mudville before going to see a sneak preview of 28 Weeks Later. I'd gotten the passes for free and we were both eager to see it. He was looking all spiffy and handsome in his dark blue suit. He recounted about how many people (including women) remarked about his state of dress. It was a beautiful sunny day out and everyone was on their way home from work. We decided to sit at the front table where the window was open to the passerbyers on the sidewalk. I was never a fan of open air restaurants because no one wants a view of people walking by except those who want to be seen. This time I would make an exception. After we ordered our drinks we continued talking. Suddenly Darryl made a comment about one of guys standing near the curb talking to another guy on the sidewalk. I shrugged it off and said it was nothing, just 'casual observation'. Truth is everyone does this in New York. After a dinner of wings and Long Island iced teas we proceeded to the train to get up to the AMC Loews on 34th St. On our way to the train I spoke to Darryl about my inability to find work that's relative to my background and that lately I've been thinking of going for my Master's. I spoke to my friend Alejandro about the idea and he told me that it fine if you want to develop your portfolio but it's just "another paper". I expressed my views to Darryl just as I did Alejandro, I really don't want to concentrate on art and design anymore as I'm just looking to explore other options within performing arts. I went on to say I honestly don't think that I'm going to get someone to offer to pay me more than $30,000 to do something unless it's mindnumbingly boring or bureaucratic like my last job. Before getting on the train I told him I was getting increasingly frustrated and even asked him what if I threw myself in front of the on-coming train. "I'd wonder why did he just do that?" was all he said. While on the over-crowded train I continued with my conversation and told him I wished someone would reply to one of my resume submissions because "I'm getting tired of having to rewrite the fucking thing over and over!" Suddenly, Darryl asked me outloud why was I cursing, like as if I were offending anyone. The girl in the seat next to to us chuckled. I was quiet for the rest of the ride. Switched to the A train with him at 4th and continued to stay mum. Once we got off at 34th I scurried along with the rest of the human traffic and left Darryl behind. Once we got above ground I got a hold of my anger and let him catch up with me. "Are you sure you want me to come?" He asked, "because I can go home." I said 'yes'. Truthfully, I felt like I could have benefited more from talking to a wall. Once we got there the line of people was already pass the theater and growing. Two latina broads thatcut the line cause their friend let them even brought their 4 small children. Once we got on the end of the queue it was the most awkward silence. We were there by 6pm and the film wasn't to begin until 7:28pm. "We really should have gotten here two hours earlier." I said to Darryl. He was oddly quiet. There would have been plenty to talk about but he didn't really speak. "I'm not mad at you." I explained further was just "mad at the world" and the lack of opportunities within it for people like me. Nevermind that he pretty much told me to shut up in public. Waiting was the hard part but I excused myself to get a bottle of cold water to cool myself down in all the humidity. After getting back in line Alejandro's girlfriend spotted us standing in line and greeted us with hugs and kisses. She was on her way to the Pratt show at the Manhattan Center across the street and was curious about the growing line. We spoke for some time and she scurried off to the exhibition. It was growing close to the time and suddenly I spotted my friend, Brett ahead of the line. I called his cell phone to get his attention and we met up. He told me he had gotten there late and as a result he couldn't get in despite having a pass on hold. Everyone on line was disappointed. I even heard the phrases of "that's bullshit" from attendees. Well, it did say they weren't responsible for overbooking. That included the press. "That's okay," Brett said. " wasn't looking forward to seeing another zombie movie." "But they're not zombies," I answered and 'yes' I was looking forward to being creeped out. If my boyfriend couldn't raise my hopes that I'll be financially stable and have a positive career outlook then I could look forward to having my adrenaline raised. I asked Brett if he'd have a chance to see the Pratt show yet and he said no. I told him to go check it out. I had already gone during industry night. It would be the first time I'd attend a Pratt function since my dismissal from their employment. I told Brett that Darryl and I already attended but that I wouldn't mind going again. Darryl bowed out and said he was going home I asked him if he was sure (he got bored after an hour and went out for a smoke last time). He said "yeah, go ahead." Thinking it was fine and that he was already tired from the long day I let him retire. Boy was I wrong. After hanging out with Brett I went straight home to comfort him because I felt so wrong about my leaving him behind earlier. When I got home it was only 9:40 pm and he was already in bed. That's not good, I thought. I curled up next to him and said I was sorry for being selfish and that I loved him. I must've whispered this in his ear 3 times last night. I even asked if he was mad. "No", he said under his breath. I still had no fucking clue. All I kept thinking was here we go again with the crying and isolationism. Lest we both forget, Darryl was the one who opted to go home. He didn't protest or want to join Brett and I, even if for a brief 20 minutes. What pissed me off completely was the insinuation that I put Brett before him. When Darryl called me from work he was so upset he had to run downstairs to call me on his cell phone to say the following: "You did the same thing to me at Comiccon last year" he told me. He went further to say, "The minute Brett shows up you ditch me and run off to suck his dick!" I was so beside myself with anger I wanted to hang up on him. And I should have. My boyfriend is jealous and insecure about my relationship with a friend who's had a working relationship with me for 5 years. I just wanted to catch up with Brett and see how he was fairing after his split with his fiancee of 4 years. Maybe even get an opportunity to work with him on a project. You know, if I knew that I was going to have to deal with all this emotional bullshit I would've opted to have a girlfriend instead. If it isn't the accusations of "you don't love me" it's "there's somebody else besides me". WTF?! I really wish there was so I could have a good reason to leave him. I know I've said it before but sometimes I feel like calling his bald little 'rican friend, George and letting him know that he can have him back. This is bullshit. I put my livelihood on the line, come out to friends and family members with the idea this stupid relationship was worth having and all I get is drama, drama, drama! Sure, it may be acceptable if you're latin or want to "spice up" your relationship but this bullshit wears on me and I know I'm not alone. For someone with a heart problem Darryl really should stop with the unnecessary stress. Every other week it's some big issue that we stop talking to one another completely for 3-4 days and then after we're loveydovey saying "let's not fight anymore" to one another. My life is not Six Flags and I'm not about to go for another ride on the emotional rollercoaster called 'love'. I quit.

An Open Letter to Time Magazine:

After reading "10 Questions", May 14, 2007 I have a few questions to ask Russell Simmons regarding his impassioned plea to "clean up" hiphop. How much "self analysis" did it take to make Simmons stop and think about the music/culture that put him in the nice big mansion he now owns? Was he asleep all this time? If Don Imus were a black man instead of a white man would he have taken such a stance? Is Mr. Simmons trying to exonerate himself and appeal to his predominately white democratic friends that fund his political interests? We already have an issue with civil liberties in this country why muddle it with further censorship? From Jimmy "the Greek" to Isaiah Washington, public figures have made derogatory remarks, leaving egg on their faces. If "nappy-headed ho' " is the worst you have been called then you have not been living in America long enough. Just watching BET is mainstream schadenfreude! Yes, misogyny and racism were here centuries before hip hop or even jazz for that matter. Yes, it is American as apple pie but keeping offensive words from the ears of babes will not alleviate the problem, it just covers it up. We as black Americans need to stop defining ourselves by what white men say and think. But we as a nation also need to come to a realization that words are not imbued with power. It is the actions that take place in their wake we should worry about. Taking away artists' voice is not as sensible as people like Simmons would like to think. Bringing up honest discussions about racism and sexism with youth sounds more rational. If people were much more vigilant sales of offensive music would drop and 50 Cent's "In Da Club" wouldn't have been in heavy rotation on the drive home from work. But then Russell Simmons wouldn't be the music mogul he is and have a platform on which to plug his new book. If Russell Simmons wants to combat racially disparaging remarks will he please shut up those ignorant white guys that cannot stop making bad jokes about my large penis? It hurts, really.

It Will Be Coming Around Again...

Corny title, I know but Carly Simon was telling the truth. Earlier this week my boy Alejandro told me he opened up the lastest issue of Communication Arts and saw my picture in an ad. "Your face is huge!", he remarked. I didn't really believe or understand as I didn't pose for anything advertised in there. "When you get a chance you should check it out." The other day after meeting Darryl for dinner at BBQ's I decided we should take a walk down to Barnes and Noble see what Alej was talking about. Being familiar with the magazine didn't help because Darryl had a better chance of picking it out of the bunch. "There it is!" Once I picked the book up it opened up to the middle of the issue as if by magic. There before my face was my face, I was looking back at my face. Sheesh! Above it the type read "Serious Designer". We both laughed. After being turned away time and again by art directors and design firms for lack of experience when inquiring about employment I'm featured in an ad as a designer, a serious designer within the pages of a national design magazine! Furthermore, knowing that issue is going to wind up on the desks of the Career Center and in the Communication Design department at Pratt Institute fills me with joy. Knowing the issue is going to be carried by the very same fecal-brained douchebags at the Prattstore that fired me around this time last year gives me the biggest fucking hard-on in the last fifteen years! This won't mean I'll have a swelled head but at least I can keep mine up and continue walking. Darryl and Crystal are saying that God is trying to tell me something. That maybe I should strongly consider going back to doing illustration and design work. Guess it's the ultimate validation/vendication. I don't know but I cannot thank the big guy more than enough. I vehemently apologize for any lack of faith I may have had before. Hmmm...maybe I'll even make a donation to a needy church.

Secrets and Lies?...

It took me hours to get home because I didn't want to speak to Darryl. It was like I had gone out for a long walk. When I got home it was 7 am in the morning. Darryl was still awake and wasn't talking to me. God, I hate the silent treatment. When I handed him the 2 honeybuns I bought he only responded "Oh, thank you." We didn't speak until Sunday evening when I asked if he was mad at me. He called me a liar. "You lie all the time," Darryl said. "Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd trust me to go to such events." I explained to him. "I never asked you for money or anything." Darryl said, "all I've asked is that you not lie to me." I told him I only wanted to go out and not have him worry needlessly. He went on telling me how bad he felt the night I left and it would have meant alot for me to blow off my plans and stay in with him like I have a dozen times before. "I hope it was worth it," he said. Now he suspects that I've been hooking up with guys left and right (if it only it were that easy) whenever I go out. Stupid. I'm not a homebody but he is. He knows this. I like to go out sometimes even when I'm feeling depressed. You see, this is the type of shit I have to deal with at home. Darryl looks at the history on his computer, reads my email when I leave it open, even checks to make sure I'm wearing underwear before I go out. All because of the fact that he's read my posts online and knows my history prior to meeting him. In short, Darryl is nosy and possesive. Lately, I've been thinking about texting his little bald-headed puerto rican "friend" George to let him know that he can have him. For weeks, he's been sending naked pics of himself from his phone to Darryl's phone. Darryl even told me George offered to be his side piece knowing damn well he's in a relationship with me. How fucked up is that? I'm really sick of this shit you latino men play. Machismo is so overrated. Oh, it's okay for you to look at other guys and send pictures of your dick to one another but when I want to make money off my body it's a big no-no! What do you do? Chalk it up to MACHISMO. If you're in a relationship like mine or know of someone who's in one with an obsessive, possesive latino (or even half latino) tell them to run very far away -fast.

Butchbear Model Search 2007

Friday night I decided to attend the ButchBear Model Search at the Eagle. Not to compete but just to look. I've always been curious about fetish bars and clubs here in the city. After Ghouliani "cleaned up" the city and Disneyfied it I've been hard-pressed to find a venue that rivals the haunts of pre-90's New York. I knew that if I told Darryl I wanted to attend one of these events he'd automatically say "no". So I told him I was going to an industry party hosted by one of my classmates from my acting classes. It's was a lie but it wasn't like I was going to do anything but drink and socialize. Darryl had been in a funk for the past 4 days but wouldn't tell me what was bothering him. Finally he broke down and told me. His sister's cancer might be coming back and one of his aunts is in stage 4 of the disease. I realized that he was in pain but he internalized up until now. I had a choice but I really needed to get out of the house -just for one night. Everything was going just fine after I got to the Eagle. The promoters were nice, bartenders cool. It wasn't as dark and forbidden as you'd like to think. There was backroom action. Imagine 30 or so guys getting intimate and fondling each other in the darken portion of the room. Even the backroom had a sex gestapo breaking up the action. A sex gestapo? In a fetish bar? Stupid. Most of the guys were white, tattooed, and or hairy. It's usually my type but here it was not as appealing as I'd liked it to have been. Alas, not everyone looks like they stepped out of a Raging Stallion video. Speaking of which, I had the unique pleasure of meeting a cute latino "cub" in a leather harness upon which his lover clung to. He, like myself, wanted to compete but couldn't out of respect to his partner. We both agreed we could have been one of those guys on screen if if weren't for the 'ol ball and chain. Before we could continue our convo his bf got jealous and dragged him away telling me to "talk some sense into him." How can I do that when we both want the same thing? We're both actors of color who want work, even if it's in adult films. It's funny how the same people who preach about having pride and demanding to be seen as equals in this society refuse the idea of someone exploiting one's self. Do you know how degrading it is to always be picked by casting directors to portray a drug dealer or perp on a cop show? Anytime I've approached Darryl about working in the adult industry he shuts me down. Just hours after I left the apartment he called and left a message on my voicemail. I called him back thinking something was wrong. "Nothing," he said. "You can go back to enjoying your ButchBear thing." Apparently he found out about my plans. Bummer.

Magician David Blaine is a Bloated Diva

Went down with two guys to Philadelphia to shoot an NBA Finals commercial and spent 6 hours waiting for this asshole. Sitting around in holding down in bowels of the Wachovia Spectrum center was lackluster to say the least but at least I was getting paid. Finally they rounded us up and told us David Blaine was involved. According to someone on the production David Blaine kept fucking up his lines. He then needed to take eat and take a nap. I'm surprised they didn't burp him too. David Blaine was so difficult to direct he couldn't even speak loud enough or hit his marks when instructed to. Why bother having him around when you can get an 8 year-old to do his job for him? The result was another half hour of being stuck in a narrow-assed stadium seat. If I were SAG I wouldn't have been bothered by the extra time but I'm not so I have a right to bitch when an overrated douchebag like David Blaine can't even get his lines right.

Heads or ...Feet?

Just when I was getting use to producers/casting directors calling me back for work I'm forced to choose between projects. After signing with Ugly NY a couple of weeks ago I knew I couldn't depend on them to find me anything so soon. They were too busy making their offices look chic. When I auditioned for the Untitled Campfire PSA I acknowledged to the casting director that I was available this past Saturday to shoot. I was cast as the big burly construction worker who breaks out into a disco dance. I must done a great job because they really wanted me. Days later I get a call from Leah at Extra Mile Casting. They were in the process of casting for a new MTV pilot called "Daily Pops", a 30 Rock-like take off on a TRL type of show. It was an AFTRA job and in it they wanted me to play the pampered host's masseur. "They wanted a big guy that was an unlikely choice, they saw your picture and they asked for you." Leah also promised if the pilot gets picked up there's a chance I could have a recurring role. The funny thing with accepting such a role you cannot work another AFTRA job for 30 days unless you join. The problem? The iniation fee to join is $1300. I mean, really! As a starving artist the last thing I want to do is pay to get work. Even if I could afford it that doesn't guarantee that I'll get more work. Already invested in the Campfire project and I make it a point to always follow through. I also had to pay Leah and her crew their $40 monthly fee for finding me work (I know, it's laughable but I've been desperate for more paying work). She wanted to know what I was doing on Saturday. I tossed her a red herring in the form of helping friends move. "The chance to be cast in something like this doesn't come up often." With that ping-ponging in my mind I was awaiting my call from the producers of this PSA before I would make my decision. The funny thing about this business is the lack of promptness on the part of the production staff. If they're going to film you can be sure of it but you'll be the last to know when and exactly where. Would I be able to do both on the same day? Leah was unsure of the call time and the other guys didn't so much as say a peep. It was already Wednesday and I had an itchy wallet. Darryl had only $35 in the bank and he had given me his last dub. After dropping off my payment and speaking to Leah I began to get second thoughts. Once she told me Rusty Cundieff Fear of a Black Hat was directing I was almost sold. If I dropped one project for another who knows what amount of money I could stand to lose nevermind the chance to be called in by producers for more work. After hours of mulling over it I finally gave in (she was practically begging me) and called Leah. In hindsight, I should have told her I wouldn't do it unless I had at least under five lines in the scene. Not that it would have mattered but it would help to improve my chances of becoming a supporting character. Then out of the nowhere Gia, the wardrobe person for the other project calls me about what I have versus what they need. After speaking to the producer I let him know I had to drop out. I thought to myself "I hope this never happens again" but it probably will and when it's least expected. It's the nature of the business. At some point I'll have make decisions that will affect me but you have to be professional and not beat up on myself later on. My only question is: why can't I get booked for gigs when I'm available throughout the week? How easy would it be for me to work on Law & Order for a day or two like I did last week and book a gig like the one I came close to doing on the weekend? In the end did I make the right decision? Time will tell whether I'll be massaging another guy's feet on camera for money.

The Same 'Ol Song

Before leaving for my audition at the New York Film Academy I was reminded of the lack of autonomy and privacy in my life at my current home. Although I haven't been straining to find a survival job but lately I have begun to feel the pinch in my wallet. Since it is spring there are courses I'd like to take, things to see and acting jobs to chase. I'll admit that for the past several months I have relied heavily on my bf Darryl and tried to cure myself of whatever funk I am in professionally. I'm beginning to realize my hiatus has taken a toll on our relationship. Since my last attempts to start up an enterprise have gone noticed and he's already made the ultimatium (him or the profession) I've already made my decision. He knows I don't appreciate being spied on or having the last footprints on his computer re-traced (and if he's reading this now it's over!). When I think of it, I have given him more than enough reason to worry. For all the jealously and fear I'd completely understand where he's coming from. If my boyfriend were tricking to pay the rent I'd still have my suspicions, maybe even kicked him to the curb. Despite his smelly dying cat, Bandit and his pack rat ways I can't find anything wrong with the man that would make me want to leave him. He's gone through similar traumas and beatings that we bare almost matching bruises. All I know is that whenever I look at him I feel fortunate and loved. Guess my 21 year-old self would be kicking my present self for being so foolish. I guess the first step to abolishing the problem is acknowledge it and find a means of dealing with it. I have discussed my concerns with him various times; not being able to cope in a workplace without having fools to suffer and overcoming blocks to performing simple everyday duties. These and other concerns should not block me from my goals of becoming successful. Yeah, I'm going to have to tell alot of people to "fuck off" but that goes with the territory of life. Now that books like the NO Asshole Rule have come out in favor of more harmonious workplaces I can sense that my anxiety can be understood. Mind you, I still have to make clear my boundaries and standards when faced with shit head bosses. At least now I have the brass balls to stand up to them whether at the negotiating table or in the boardroom. Amazing, it took losing my livlihood and nearly what's left of my sanity to become the tyrant I knew I'd eventually become. I guess I have art school to blame for that.

All Deposits. No Returns?!

Earlier on today I got a call from the UGLY modeling agency. I know what you're thinking and I'd laugh too, only I'm not joking. Last month I attended an open call when they announced the opening of a new office in New York City. Allegedly the largest agency in the UK to specialize in average looking people and those that have "character". In my adult life I've never really felt like I was attractive let alone "model" material but nowadays everyone is getting face time. 'Cuz all of a sucdden I'm seeing billboards with naked old women in Times Square. Do we have the TV series Ugly Betty to thank for this shift in culture? At first glance of the book featuring the UK models, I thought they only specialized in print and runway. Then I heard they were also casting for the Concrete Jungle TV pilot. I suddenly felt like I was in the right place at the right time. After meeting agency owner, Marc French, he remarked at my hair. I should have known right away that I should meant expect a callback. After speaking with "Dee", an agency rep she expressed they would like to represent me and we set up a time to meet for next week. Suddenly, I had found to way to finance my acting classes and bring some much needed paper into the household. Or so I thought. When I heard "Dee" mention an annual maintenance fee of $375 immediately the feeling of self-suffience washed away. For months Darryl has been holding it down with the one job he has and that isn't even enough to keep him afloat. It was only a couple of months ago we were facing eviction. Darryl made the investment by allowing me to move in with him. Now I had to make a sizable return to show that I was in this with him. For months I've been thinking and re-thinking the job situation and how it would compromise my career. I remember it was just last year that I would take my lunch hour and any time away from work to attend auditions. After I lost my job I breathed a huge sigh of relief and thought that I could now concentrate fully on my craft. I could now focus on building my resume and becoming a working performer. Not exactly. For months I kept picturing in my mind employer after employer shut their doors in my face. I cannot, for the life of me, picture an employer willing to keep an employee with priorities other than the job on the payroll. Even if that means off the clock. Darryl and I have had this talk about a dozen times already. He's made it clear that all artists need a survival job to pay the bills. It's not that I don't want to work. I just don't want to be forced to compromise, okay, choose between my passion and my paycheck because I'll go with the latter all the time. The same goes for toxic workplaces, I refuse to stick around. So, after speaking to Darryl he did some research online about modeling agencies and it has been eye-opening to say the least. Anytime I have gone to an "agency" I have never been reeled in by their offers because they always bring up payment. If you want to sign me on as a client the last thing you should be asking me for is money. I am coming to you in search of work not the other way around. Plus I learn that agencies that do not have full confidence in the ability of talent to pull down work make their clients pay ahead. These are the unreputable ones. One such place discussed a similar $400 maintenance fee just to put my photos on a website! I'm not saying that an agency is not entitled to bill a client for extra services but let us keep in mind that they do retain a percentage of whatever jobs we book. It's just that $375 can be put to better use in my life. This is New York City. There is always rent to pay, bills to pay, student loans to pay because the cost of living is so high. When the weathiest person within the city is the mayor -that's disconcerting. We are living in a city where the classes are divided by where they can and cannot live but yet we work beside one another. I'm no different, I'm just looking for my piece of the pie. Why is it that up-and-coming talent have to pay money to be discovered in this industry? They need us more than we need them. I give back to the film and theatre community whenever I can because not everyone has a trust fund to get their dream project off the ground. When I go in to meet with this agency rep I will make it clear that I'm willing to go all the way with them but only if it means they will invest fully in me. That $375 could go to a gym membership, which is a wise investment in my career and well-being. Either way it's just too much to ask for at this time.

Hog Wild!!!

Yesterday, I shot my first SAG web commercial for rapper Ludacris' Foundation for Children. This comes a week after my off-off broadway run at the Native Aliens' production of The Girl Most Likely To... The common thing I was asked at the wrap party at the director's house was what was the next project I would be in. Little did I know that I would be sharing screen time with a platinum-selling artist. The premise centers around auditions for a song to advertise an actual Harley-Davidson being auctioned off online to benefit the organization. The bike is autographed by various entertainment industry such as Gnarls Barkly, John Legend, Common, and actress Megan Good. Featured as one of the 3 principal performers I get a chance to compete and show off my vocal skills in the recording booth. When I originally auditioned for the commercial I was only sent a track which sounded like something from The Fast and The Furious and three sets of lyrics I could choose at my discretion. Concerned about the meter and creating a catchy melody I picked the more catchier one. Hours later I came up with a hook that rocked. At the callback the director wanted to hear the first one but I let him know I was much more comfortable with the one I chose. I mean after all, I was called back on the strength of the one I chose. My original intrepretation was not really rock-oriented but the way I delivered it must have clinched the deal. While at the wardrobe fitting the day before, one of the guys that attended the same callback said he knew I'd get it after he heard me while in the waiting room. Pity their poor ears! Out of all the performers on the set I was the only one with no recording studio experience. After 5 minutes in the booth it came naturally to me. SNL's Adam Sandberg showed up to perform his part as the uniquely-styled rapper "Blizzard Man". No, I did not bring up his Dick in a Box video to make convo but I did say 'hello'. What was interesting, aside from the assistant director waking me to let me know that it was our lunch break and to "please not swear" was the fact that Luda brought his daughter to the studio. For what seemed like a 6 year-old she was very well-behaved. He had a room set aside to keep her entertained. Like most children her age she wasn't interested in playing with her grandmother and wanted to hang with her daddy instead. To a parent, those days are worth cherishing. Guess the 'no swearing' rule works after all. The production wrapped with time to spare and I left with a feeling of accomplishment. The video will be available online April 20th.

Coloureds need not apply...

Long turns and exits. Jake checks his appointment schedule then puts his hand to his temples. He has become the thing he hates most: the procurer. Self-contempt fills his face.

TIMECUT: The next interviewee stands in front of Van Dorn. He's a tall black man about 25. An ex-athlete.

JAKE
You're not exactly the type we're looking for.

BLACK STUD
(hostile)
You mean I'm black?

JAKE
No, just not the type.

BLACK STUD
What do you mean, not the type? Don't you know who I am?
I'm Big Dick Brown! I've been in more porno movies than
you ever saw. I've worked with Harry Reems. I've worked
with Johnny Wad. Not the type! I can come ten times a day.
I can keep it hard two hours at a time. My cock is nine inches
long.

JAKE
I'm sorry, Mr. Brown. I'm sure you're very good, but
at the moment, I've got nothing for you. If something
comes up, we'll give you a call.

BLACK STUD
Shit! You just don't want to hire a nigger, that's all. I knew this
was a scam. I shouldn'ta come.

The Black Stud turns and storms out.


The above is a dramatization of what goes on whenever I attend an interview or job lead in NYC. It's not that direct as this scene from "Hardcore" but it comes very close. I try to justify not actively searching for a "survival" job to Darryl and others because I'm never hired for what's in my mind, only for my type. A type is the way in which people are cast within the industry. It's the reason why you see one guy play a perp on Law & Order and next week you catch him on The Wire. It happens so often before your eyes you won't even notice. For some unexplained reason I run into this when looking for work that will support me and my endevours. "You aren't what we are looking for" is so commonly used whoever authored it should be swimming in royalties. I'm still pissed that the interviewer at Uni-qlo didn't even consider me a candidate for a merchanise display designer position. What I don't understand is that I would have definitely qualified for the position with my background in visual arts and retail management. The duties consisted of folding clothes and dressing mannequins for instore and window displays according to a chosen palette. Citing that they're expecting $35M in sales at their flagship store in Soho. She was only a generation from blowing me for "five dolla" and screaming out "too boo-coo!" Bitch could keep her shitty job. She never asked to see my magnificent portfolio of work. She's no different than the other six hundred dozen or so asians in New York that are obsessed with and making money. They and other immigrants like them come here, take all of the jobs then when it comes time to recruit for their companies they want to put you in a lesser position or one where they feel you'd benefit them. Your chances are even worst when you are not one of them or not white. My confidence has been shaken so I already envision being rejected even when I send out a resume for positions I know I'm qualified for. It's like the only thing prospective employers see me for is my type. Yeah, I'm big, black and intimidating to some people but that's only to the ones looking to prove something. For those of you looking to New York as an example, don't bother. New York City is dead. This city is no longer for dreamers. Only the greedy rich folks that can afford to live here and will continue to. It just goes to prove New York City isn't exactly the 'melting pot' everyone claims it to be.

All Roads Lead Me Back To You

Today was da bomb! Not only did I get the opportunity to perform for a webvideo for the up-coming New York Comic-con I also got a weekend pass and met comic book legend Neal Adams! I really didn't know we were going to meet him. Maybe it's a good thing because I would have brought my portfolio -and then turned away. The only thing funnier than trying to break into the comic book industry is the fact that I run into those people when I least suspect it and often. What am I doing wrong? I really could be making my living as a comic book illustrator and storyboard artist. As we all know things don't always go according to plan. Maybe I could milk this gig a little further by sending a postcard with a sample of my work to Continuity Studios. Here's something else, I never knew Neal Adams owned the entire building on 39th St. where we shot the video. Guess you learn something new everyday.

I Choose To Be Happy in 2007

It's been 3 days into 2007 and I've come down to the conclusion that I may not have everything I desire but I have the choice to be happy. Although I experienced many life changing events last year (ie, losing my shitty job, unemployment, losing unemployment, challenging former employer's payroll company for unemployment benefits and succeeding, losing housing, and forced to going on public assistance) I still have no interest in making New Year's resolutions. Except this one: I have the choice to be and I will be happy. Recently, I read in a book (on psychology no less) that doing what makes you happy in life is a pagan belief. Contrast that with the judeo-christian idea of working for 40-some odd years only to receive a gold watch and/or a pension (if you're lucky). Left to spend the remainder of your days thinking of ways to make your children jealous of your idyllic life. Well if the former makes me a heathen I'm going back to living my life with a purpose. I'm going to pick myself back up and go for mine. I'm going to bleed every opportunity dry and absolutely fucking have an amazing time doing it. Like I said to auditor before my audition, "I Gotta Eat". Fuck having integrity and character that is becoming of a gentleman. A good half of you devils (not just white) clearly don't have any on display. I realized that this is a white man's world and I'm nothing more than a B.B.M. whose self-realization final caught up with him. What's a B.B.M. you may ask? B.B.M. stands for "Big Black Man" (a.k.a. B.B.B. the acronym for "Big Black Buck" or Brute) a theory I slowly realized on my own. Simply, people I encounter on a daily basis think my physical features sums up my functionality and very existance: that I'm only good for heavy lifting and fucking the shit out of someone with my big black penis. Utilitarian, I know (Original? I don't think so.) Think people, it was just over 30 years ago I was considered 3/5ths of a man. I clung to the false hope that people would see me an others like me as much more than the surface. Darryl believes that the reason I see myself as that is because I allowed people to objectify me. Would it be any different if I were asian and had people hit me up during tax time? I doubt it. Here I spent all this time and valuable money persuing an education and a career only to become a fucking cog in the machine known as retail? Or worst. WTF? I wish someone wiser had told me I was wasting my time trying to complete 14 credits a semester when I wasn't going to end up doing what interested me. College is so overrated. It's such an antiquated concept. I'm saying good-bye to retail and any customer service related positions. It wasn't so much the customers but the fat-ass corporations with policies and orders on high that make it seem like you're living in a fascist state. Companies like Crate&Barrel need to rethink their approach to the laborer who just spent 5-8 hours selling their shitty high-priced products only to have their coats searched by a rent-a-cop when they know damn well you can get the same merchandise from the $.99 store! Employees desperately need to be faithful to their employer only for fear of being homeless and eating cat food but that feeling is clearly not mutual. Case in point, Darryl used to work for the postal service before a recent change of jobs. His boss was a nasty bitch, he used mind games to get back at her. He and I have had this discussion because I've reached an impetus: I will no longer tolerate anyone's shit! Not even from an employer. My time as an employee of Pratt Institute has taught me well. I have no problem threatening a co-worker or supervisor with bodily harm if they so much as say an unkind word to me. And yes, I'm real subtle about it. No longer will I take on employment or duties that bore the living shit out of me or frustrates me. I know alot of laborers are tired of bosses that want to play 5th grade teacher hovering over your shoulder worried you might be spending too much time dotting your "i"s and "t"s. Fuck micromanaging! That shit went out with sweatshops and union busters. Gone from my life are the plastic smiles and the condescending managers that question my actions when they aren't even old enough to rent a fucking car. As of this week I am in the process of re-writing my resume with an objective that centers on a higher level of autonomy and mutual respect. Shit, I'm tired of living in fear that my next paycheck isn't going to cover my overdue bills. I can quit a job if it doesn't meet my standards because there are plenty more out there, it's just a matter of place and time. I step into 2007 with dignity and empowerment. I have learned that I have the power to limit those who trespass against me and my passions. I realize I have the power to say "no" to anything that compromises my own happiness. This is my life and I'm living it for me, no one else.