Secrets and Lies?...

It took me hours to get home because I didn't want to speak to Darryl. It was like I had gone out for a long walk. When I got home it was 7 am in the morning. Darryl was still awake and wasn't talking to me. God, I hate the silent treatment. When I handed him the 2 honeybuns I bought he only responded "Oh, thank you." We didn't speak until Sunday evening when I asked if he was mad at me. He called me a liar. "You lie all the time," Darryl said. "Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd trust me to go to such events." I explained to him. "I never asked you for money or anything." Darryl said, "all I've asked is that you not lie to me." I told him I only wanted to go out and not have him worry needlessly. He went on telling me how bad he felt the night I left and it would have meant alot for me to blow off my plans and stay in with him like I have a dozen times before. "I hope it was worth it," he said. Now he suspects that I've been hooking up with guys left and right (if it only it were that easy) whenever I go out. Stupid. I'm not a homebody but he is. He knows this. I like to go out sometimes even when I'm feeling depressed. You see, this is the type of shit I have to deal with at home. Darryl looks at the history on his computer, reads my email when I leave it open, even checks to make sure I'm wearing underwear before I go out. All because of the fact that he's read my posts online and knows my history prior to meeting him. In short, Darryl is nosy and possesive. Lately, I've been thinking about texting his little bald-headed puerto rican "friend" George to let him know that he can have him. For weeks, he's been sending naked pics of himself from his phone to Darryl's phone. Darryl even told me George offered to be his side piece knowing damn well he's in a relationship with me. How fucked up is that? I'm really sick of this shit you latino men play. Machismo is so overrated. Oh, it's okay for you to look at other guys and send pictures of your dick to one another but when I want to make money off my body it's a big no-no! What do you do? Chalk it up to MACHISMO. If you're in a relationship like mine or know of someone who's in one with an obsessive, possesive latino (or even half latino) tell them to run very far away -fast.

Butchbear Model Search 2007

Friday night I decided to attend the ButchBear Model Search at the Eagle. Not to compete but just to look. I've always been curious about fetish bars and clubs here in the city. After Ghouliani "cleaned up" the city and Disneyfied it I've been hard-pressed to find a venue that rivals the haunts of pre-90's New York. I knew that if I told Darryl I wanted to attend one of these events he'd automatically say "no". So I told him I was going to an industry party hosted by one of my classmates from my acting classes. It's was a lie but it wasn't like I was going to do anything but drink and socialize. Darryl had been in a funk for the past 4 days but wouldn't tell me what was bothering him. Finally he broke down and told me. His sister's cancer might be coming back and one of his aunts is in stage 4 of the disease. I realized that he was in pain but he internalized up until now. I had a choice but I really needed to get out of the house -just for one night. Everything was going just fine after I got to the Eagle. The promoters were nice, bartenders cool. It wasn't as dark and forbidden as you'd like to think. There was backroom action. Imagine 30 or so guys getting intimate and fondling each other in the darken portion of the room. Even the backroom had a sex gestapo breaking up the action. A sex gestapo? In a fetish bar? Stupid. Most of the guys were white, tattooed, and or hairy. It's usually my type but here it was not as appealing as I'd liked it to have been. Alas, not everyone looks like they stepped out of a Raging Stallion video. Speaking of which, I had the unique pleasure of meeting a cute latino "cub" in a leather harness upon which his lover clung to. He, like myself, wanted to compete but couldn't out of respect to his partner. We both agreed we could have been one of those guys on screen if if weren't for the 'ol ball and chain. Before we could continue our convo his bf got jealous and dragged him away telling me to "talk some sense into him." How can I do that when we both want the same thing? We're both actors of color who want work, even if it's in adult films. It's funny how the same people who preach about having pride and demanding to be seen as equals in this society refuse the idea of someone exploiting one's self. Do you know how degrading it is to always be picked by casting directors to portray a drug dealer or perp on a cop show? Anytime I've approached Darryl about working in the adult industry he shuts me down. Just hours after I left the apartment he called and left a message on my voicemail. I called him back thinking something was wrong. "Nothing," he said. "You can go back to enjoying your ButchBear thing." Apparently he found out about my plans. Bummer.

Magician David Blaine is a Bloated Diva

Went down with two guys to Philadelphia to shoot an NBA Finals commercial and spent 6 hours waiting for this asshole. Sitting around in holding down in bowels of the Wachovia Spectrum center was lackluster to say the least but at least I was getting paid. Finally they rounded us up and told us David Blaine was involved. According to someone on the production David Blaine kept fucking up his lines. He then needed to take eat and take a nap. I'm surprised they didn't burp him too. David Blaine was so difficult to direct he couldn't even speak loud enough or hit his marks when instructed to. Why bother having him around when you can get an 8 year-old to do his job for him? The result was another half hour of being stuck in a narrow-assed stadium seat. If I were SAG I wouldn't have been bothered by the extra time but I'm not so I have a right to bitch when an overrated douchebag like David Blaine can't even get his lines right.

Heads or ...Feet?

Just when I was getting use to producers/casting directors calling me back for work I'm forced to choose between projects. After signing with Ugly NY a couple of weeks ago I knew I couldn't depend on them to find me anything so soon. They were too busy making their offices look chic. When I auditioned for the Untitled Campfire PSA I acknowledged to the casting director that I was available this past Saturday to shoot. I was cast as the big burly construction worker who breaks out into a disco dance. I must done a great job because they really wanted me. Days later I get a call from Leah at Extra Mile Casting. They were in the process of casting for a new MTV pilot called "Daily Pops", a 30 Rock-like take off on a TRL type of show. It was an AFTRA job and in it they wanted me to play the pampered host's masseur. "They wanted a big guy that was an unlikely choice, they saw your picture and they asked for you." Leah also promised if the pilot gets picked up there's a chance I could have a recurring role. The funny thing with accepting such a role you cannot work another AFTRA job for 30 days unless you join. The problem? The iniation fee to join is $1300. I mean, really! As a starving artist the last thing I want to do is pay to get work. Even if I could afford it that doesn't guarantee that I'll get more work. Already invested in the Campfire project and I make it a point to always follow through. I also had to pay Leah and her crew their $40 monthly fee for finding me work (I know, it's laughable but I've been desperate for more paying work). She wanted to know what I was doing on Saturday. I tossed her a red herring in the form of helping friends move. "The chance to be cast in something like this doesn't come up often." With that ping-ponging in my mind I was awaiting my call from the producers of this PSA before I would make my decision. The funny thing about this business is the lack of promptness on the part of the production staff. If they're going to film you can be sure of it but you'll be the last to know when and exactly where. Would I be able to do both on the same day? Leah was unsure of the call time and the other guys didn't so much as say a peep. It was already Wednesday and I had an itchy wallet. Darryl had only $35 in the bank and he had given me his last dub. After dropping off my payment and speaking to Leah I began to get second thoughts. Once she told me Rusty Cundieff Fear of a Black Hat was directing I was almost sold. If I dropped one project for another who knows what amount of money I could stand to lose nevermind the chance to be called in by producers for more work. After hours of mulling over it I finally gave in (she was practically begging me) and called Leah. In hindsight, I should have told her I wouldn't do it unless I had at least under five lines in the scene. Not that it would have mattered but it would help to improve my chances of becoming a supporting character. Then out of the nowhere Gia, the wardrobe person for the other project calls me about what I have versus what they need. After speaking to the producer I let him know I had to drop out. I thought to myself "I hope this never happens again" but it probably will and when it's least expected. It's the nature of the business. At some point I'll have make decisions that will affect me but you have to be professional and not beat up on myself later on. My only question is: why can't I get booked for gigs when I'm available throughout the week? How easy would it be for me to work on Law & Order for a day or two like I did last week and book a gig like the one I came close to doing on the weekend? In the end did I make the right decision? Time will tell whether I'll be massaging another guy's feet on camera for money.

The Same 'Ol Song

Before leaving for my audition at the New York Film Academy I was reminded of the lack of autonomy and privacy in my life at my current home. Although I haven't been straining to find a survival job but lately I have begun to feel the pinch in my wallet. Since it is spring there are courses I'd like to take, things to see and acting jobs to chase. I'll admit that for the past several months I have relied heavily on my bf Darryl and tried to cure myself of whatever funk I am in professionally. I'm beginning to realize my hiatus has taken a toll on our relationship. Since my last attempts to start up an enterprise have gone noticed and he's already made the ultimatium (him or the profession) I've already made my decision. He knows I don't appreciate being spied on or having the last footprints on his computer re-traced (and if he's reading this now it's over!). When I think of it, I have given him more than enough reason to worry. For all the jealously and fear I'd completely understand where he's coming from. If my boyfriend were tricking to pay the rent I'd still have my suspicions, maybe even kicked him to the curb. Despite his smelly dying cat, Bandit and his pack rat ways I can't find anything wrong with the man that would make me want to leave him. He's gone through similar traumas and beatings that we bare almost matching bruises. All I know is that whenever I look at him I feel fortunate and loved. Guess my 21 year-old self would be kicking my present self for being so foolish. I guess the first step to abolishing the problem is acknowledge it and find a means of dealing with it. I have discussed my concerns with him various times; not being able to cope in a workplace without having fools to suffer and overcoming blocks to performing simple everyday duties. These and other concerns should not block me from my goals of becoming successful. Yeah, I'm going to have to tell alot of people to "fuck off" but that goes with the territory of life. Now that books like the NO Asshole Rule have come out in favor of more harmonious workplaces I can sense that my anxiety can be understood. Mind you, I still have to make clear my boundaries and standards when faced with shit head bosses. At least now I have the brass balls to stand up to them whether at the negotiating table or in the boardroom. Amazing, it took losing my livlihood and nearly what's left of my sanity to become the tyrant I knew I'd eventually become. I guess I have art school to blame for that.

All Deposits. No Returns?!

Earlier on today I got a call from the UGLY modeling agency. I know what you're thinking and I'd laugh too, only I'm not joking. Last month I attended an open call when they announced the opening of a new office in New York City. Allegedly the largest agency in the UK to specialize in average looking people and those that have "character". In my adult life I've never really felt like I was attractive let alone "model" material but nowadays everyone is getting face time. 'Cuz all of a sucdden I'm seeing billboards with naked old women in Times Square. Do we have the TV series Ugly Betty to thank for this shift in culture? At first glance of the book featuring the UK models, I thought they only specialized in print and runway. Then I heard they were also casting for the Concrete Jungle TV pilot. I suddenly felt like I was in the right place at the right time. After meeting agency owner, Marc French, he remarked at my hair. I should have known right away that I should meant expect a callback. After speaking with "Dee", an agency rep she expressed they would like to represent me and we set up a time to meet for next week. Suddenly, I had found to way to finance my acting classes and bring some much needed paper into the household. Or so I thought. When I heard "Dee" mention an annual maintenance fee of $375 immediately the feeling of self-suffience washed away. For months Darryl has been holding it down with the one job he has and that isn't even enough to keep him afloat. It was only a couple of months ago we were facing eviction. Darryl made the investment by allowing me to move in with him. Now I had to make a sizable return to show that I was in this with him. For months I've been thinking and re-thinking the job situation and how it would compromise my career. I remember it was just last year that I would take my lunch hour and any time away from work to attend auditions. After I lost my job I breathed a huge sigh of relief and thought that I could now concentrate fully on my craft. I could now focus on building my resume and becoming a working performer. Not exactly. For months I kept picturing in my mind employer after employer shut their doors in my face. I cannot, for the life of me, picture an employer willing to keep an employee with priorities other than the job on the payroll. Even if that means off the clock. Darryl and I have had this talk about a dozen times already. He's made it clear that all artists need a survival job to pay the bills. It's not that I don't want to work. I just don't want to be forced to compromise, okay, choose between my passion and my paycheck because I'll go with the latter all the time. The same goes for toxic workplaces, I refuse to stick around. So, after speaking to Darryl he did some research online about modeling agencies and it has been eye-opening to say the least. Anytime I have gone to an "agency" I have never been reeled in by their offers because they always bring up payment. If you want to sign me on as a client the last thing you should be asking me for is money. I am coming to you in search of work not the other way around. Plus I learn that agencies that do not have full confidence in the ability of talent to pull down work make their clients pay ahead. These are the unreputable ones. One such place discussed a similar $400 maintenance fee just to put my photos on a website! I'm not saying that an agency is not entitled to bill a client for extra services but let us keep in mind that they do retain a percentage of whatever jobs we book. It's just that $375 can be put to better use in my life. This is New York City. There is always rent to pay, bills to pay, student loans to pay because the cost of living is so high. When the weathiest person within the city is the mayor -that's disconcerting. We are living in a city where the classes are divided by where they can and cannot live but yet we work beside one another. I'm no different, I'm just looking for my piece of the pie. Why is it that up-and-coming talent have to pay money to be discovered in this industry? They need us more than we need them. I give back to the film and theatre community whenever I can because not everyone has a trust fund to get their dream project off the ground. When I go in to meet with this agency rep I will make it clear that I'm willing to go all the way with them but only if it means they will invest fully in me. That $375 could go to a gym membership, which is a wise investment in my career and well-being. Either way it's just too much to ask for at this time.

Hog Wild!!!

Yesterday, I shot my first SAG web commercial for rapper Ludacris' Foundation for Children. This comes a week after my off-off broadway run at the Native Aliens' production of The Girl Most Likely To... The common thing I was asked at the wrap party at the director's house was what was the next project I would be in. Little did I know that I would be sharing screen time with a platinum-selling artist. The premise centers around auditions for a song to advertise an actual Harley-Davidson being auctioned off online to benefit the organization. The bike is autographed by various entertainment industry such as Gnarls Barkly, John Legend, Common, and actress Megan Good. Featured as one of the 3 principal performers I get a chance to compete and show off my vocal skills in the recording booth. When I originally auditioned for the commercial I was only sent a track which sounded like something from The Fast and The Furious and three sets of lyrics I could choose at my discretion. Concerned about the meter and creating a catchy melody I picked the more catchier one. Hours later I came up with a hook that rocked. At the callback the director wanted to hear the first one but I let him know I was much more comfortable with the one I chose. I mean after all, I was called back on the strength of the one I chose. My original intrepretation was not really rock-oriented but the way I delivered it must have clinched the deal. While at the wardrobe fitting the day before, one of the guys that attended the same callback said he knew I'd get it after he heard me while in the waiting room. Pity their poor ears! Out of all the performers on the set I was the only one with no recording studio experience. After 5 minutes in the booth it came naturally to me. SNL's Adam Sandberg showed up to perform his part as the uniquely-styled rapper "Blizzard Man". No, I did not bring up his Dick in a Box video to make convo but I did say 'hello'. What was interesting, aside from the assistant director waking me to let me know that it was our lunch break and to "please not swear" was the fact that Luda brought his daughter to the studio. For what seemed like a 6 year-old she was very well-behaved. He had a room set aside to keep her entertained. Like most children her age she wasn't interested in playing with her grandmother and wanted to hang with her daddy instead. To a parent, those days are worth cherishing. Guess the 'no swearing' rule works after all. The production wrapped with time to spare and I left with a feeling of accomplishment. The video will be available online April 20th.