Everybody needs a little change...

I've been struggling lately with a number of issues. One of them being my continued membership in a certain fraternal leather organization for men of color. I've been a member of ONYX going on two years this August and I've enjoyed and learned much but there's something that makes me want to leave while I can. And NO, it's not my position as an officer. There's no doubt I could perform the duties assigned if I had gotten more support sooner, but more on that in a few. Let me start by saying ONYX is an incredible organization made of a number of different men of color (not just black) that come from a variety of backgrounds. Many of them are professionals in various fields and industry from which many other members both Full brother and associates can benefit. Which makes my decision to part so much more difficult. You see, when I decided to join ONYX New York/Northeast I did so with the intention of getting know men of color who shared the same struggles and lifestyle I did. Having been an individualist most of my life, I thought this was a ideal opportunity to join with a group of people with whom I could identify. After attending a number of meetings and events where I met a few members, one of which I'll call "Dick". Dick was a nice guy, always commenting my looks and intellect, he seemed like a well-versed guy I could share a beer with and watch a marathon of Doctor Who on a Sunday afternoon. Admittedly, Dick is the one ONYX brother I spent most of my time with before and after I became a member. Side note: I choose to utilize the word 'member' instead of 'brother' although both are interchangeable when talking about this organization. The reason will be explained in depth in the coming sentences. Dick and I were cool and even though we had differences in our own philosophies toward life and how we managed through it we got along fine. Some would say a little too well, but those are people casting assumptions where they shouldn't be. Yeah, we fooled around but we certainly weren't an item. Well, with that watermelon-shaped butt of his how could anyone resist? I mean, there was NO way that overconfident jock was going to be a top every single time. There would have been some serious flip-fucking going on. But I digress. Dick and I had a friendship until after a bar night where my chapter of the organization was doing a fundraiser. All was well until I had an unpleasant exchange with some little black twink of a queen he was friends with through one of his "boys" he spars with on occasion. After the incident ended Dick blamed me for not getting along with whom he introduced me to. A week after that night we met over a bite at Subway after he got out of work. i explain to him in detail about what happened and told him others witnessed the exchange. No matter what, he insisted I instigated and that it was conduct unbecoming of an ONYX member. He went on to say that my actions and the way I interact with other members are one of the reasons he gets complaints about me often. Which is utter bullshit because I get along with everyone. He even went so far as to tell me he "didn't really know me" putting the final nail into the coffin of our friendship. Despite the fact that he's practically begged me to be the second top every time he's found some hot little gym rat to shove his dick in. We've plowed a number of white bottoms together and we've even swapped DNA. But this man decided that my word, as a friend meant NOTHING to him. My concerns for the future of ONYX NY/NE meant nothing to him all because some acquaintance of his friend whom he wants to bang into a coma is interested in joining ONYX. When I finally put the pieces together I made it very clear the only way he'll join is over my "dissecated corpse". According to Dick in his words "that could be arranged". After that I stopped texting him. I had finally reached my limit with dealing with such an egotistical, selfish, self-bloviating individual who is such a characiture. Shit, other people cannot believe he exists. After that it was his insistence I should blow off working my new full-time job to attend leather workshops during the weekend of Blackout last year.

Being the Big, Black Gatekeeper

It's been a week since my assignment at the doctor's private practice ended and I really miss the constant calls from patients ordering drugs like a stoner at a McDonald's drive-thru. Not to mention the various doctors calling in consults for patients with infectious disease, especially those that indulged favoritism when it was the spouse of a fellow doctor or a celebrity. I also miss the people who used to cry over the phone when I had to turn them away because they were unable to schedule an appointment with the doctor's office. In short, I miss being the big, black gatekeeper that put the kibosh on white entitlement. There, I said it.

What's it like to work for one of New York's top doctors?

It's certainly no cake walk I can tell you that. I started with very little medical experience although I did spend a semester studying pre-med and two years working at the Bodies Exhibition in the South Street Seaport. At the start, I didn't know anything about Dr. Harry Barfman or his practice. The day I answered a call from Liza Minelli's doctor it finally started to sink in. He's the one of the most requested infectious disease physicians in the nation. "World famous" according to one of the hospital staffers. I rolled my eyes at that one. At the start I was confident and poised to take over for Tina, the young woman who recently had to nurse to health a premature infant. All that went out the window after a few weeks of working there in his Upper East Side office. I had to set and confirm patient appointments, place orders for prescriptions, pull patient charts, fax and copy documents, deal with irrational or irritable patients and doctors all while answering the Grand Central Station of phones. It's very clear there was a learning curve associated with this position. Before I came on I was forewarned of tensions between two female staffers on the job site by the recruiter at my agency. They figured since I was male I wouldn't get wrapped up in the drama. Guess they think having a dick and balls makes you invulnerable to other people's fuckery. Well, it doesn't make you immune to Dr. Harry Barfman's sarcastic and sometimes acerbic comments. I readily admit I'm not a perfect being. Sometimes I make gaffes especially in haste to accommodate "the good doctor". But after an exceptionally demeaning afternoon with my "boss" I thought it was high time people knew the truth behind this brilliant doctor whose patients hold up high on some demented alabaster pedestal. Harry is a challenge to work for because he expects facts spit out to him regarding the progress of operations in the office. Even shit he doesn't deal with head-on like the procurement and implementation of billing software. The man doesn't even give out his email for fear of being bombarded with consultations and requests to solve some mysterious illness. Shit, I had to use my personal email address to try a solve a billing issue that dragged on for six months BEFORE I got there! How did I got suckered into this? Simple, it was Tina's job and even though she had more knowledge of the leasing information I was now occupying her job. For what it's worth Harry CAN be engaging when he's in a good mood but when confused or perturbed he can become a prick to those helping him run his private practice on the upper east side. And for a successful professional who doesn't accept any insurance he really shouldn't complain about people looking for his services. There are people out there suffering who cannot manage out there. Last week I had to turn away a teacher who was diagnosed with typhoid and left South Africa to get top-notch care from a professional I.D. doctor. Anytime Harry goes off on one of his rants about how the people who seek him out don't respect his time I want to remind him he's the one who makes the hours. He determines when he's available and no one else. He's a concierge doctor who doesn't participate with any insurance and charges for consultations starting at hundreds. Truth is, Harry doesn't realize how good he has it compared to most people out here. He has a roof over his head, can pay his bills, support his family and knows he'll have a thriving career for years to come. If business is so overwhelming then don't take the patients. It's that simple. But someone's gotta capitalize off the ailing masses. Why not him? Even if it results in a neurotic,

Back at zero... again

Well, here I am. Unemployed again. No stable place to live. No certainty as to my future. I am in pain. My finances are scarce. I really don't see there being a reason to continue going on if I'm going to constantly have to scrape by. I've survived a lot this year. Much more than any other people would admit. But I continue to press on. There are only a few people who know of my plight that lending a hand but there's only so much people can do in these challenging times. If you'd told me three years ago that my boyfriend would kick me out only to move in with a close friend who took my rent money and bounced to Philly, leaving me to be evicted by the landlady I would have said you had a faulty crystal ball. But if you told me I would score a great paying job only to be terminated by the owner for alleged prostitution I would have said you have a wild imagination. Suddenly having no choice but to move in with my family out of state and refused help by friends who have known me for decades sounded like a nightmare. As I struggled to find underpaying work in the richest state I searched desperately for a position in the metro New York area. Then this year: being jumped by a gang of thugs, only to be shot in the back and the bullet left in me by a negligent faith-based hospital. But all of it hasn't been bad. I won my Unemployment appeal and Traveled to D.C. and Chicago to join my fellow ONYX brothers for some hot leather events. But who'd thought I would have been charged with a felony possession of a deadly weapon and convicted on a misdemeanor with a suspended sentence and a year's probation? But this? THIS? Losing my job, The only this keeping me here in New York and giving me some shred of hope is no longer. Even though working for DaVinci was a shitty job with very little pay and rewarding aspects I had a routine in my life. Now I find myself searching for work.

Shady Faggots in NYC

Since being kicked out of my ex's apartment last month I've been trying to put things behind me. I've also been enjoying the single life again. The dalliances have been fleeting and I respect people's right to practice their sexual lifestyle as long as the feeling's mutual. After almost three years I'm not eager to rush into another relationship so soon. Yet I actively searching for my sexual equal. Someone who shares my interests and fetishes. Someone who could appreciate that I was a sexual being without being judgmental. Someone I could ultimately make my lover AND partner. I should have known Adam4Adam was not the ideal place to find him.

looking for the right brother... light or dark. looking for a friend to vibe with and go with the flow... Am trying to understand guys on this chat line its seems many of u are not in to light skin duds and its ok...But if u are a brother dark or light skin or blatino hit me up...am in to older men 30 to 46... must be open minded and works out... i know many of u are very very shallow.....
read, walk in the park, cooking,work out,dinner,move

He went under the screename "s1970" and also lived in Flatbush section of Brooklyn. When I initially contacted him online he explained that many African American brothers reject him because of his light complexion. I was stunned. Sad case of reverse racism. We spoke for a couple of days and learned quite a few things from one another. One being I ignored him for over a month. I admitted his one picture seemed like a put-on. Like he was hard or something. He admitted he was not like that at all and a genuine guy. During our conversations over the phone he revealed to me he wanted a man. He had no interest in threesome or multiple partners. I was listening intently to what he wanted and it was monogamous relationship with an emphasis on being sexually honest and passionate toward one another. He had also revealed to me he had been raped twice. Once when he was 7 y.o. and 28 y.o. I was even more stunned. Why would he trust me with something so... intimate?

We eventually decided to meet. To say sex was not on my mind would be a lie but I really want to get to know a brother and establish a friendship before anything took place. We decided to meet after leaving our respective gyms. He texted me to tell me he was was running 45 minutes late when I arrived at the Newkirk Avenue station on the 2 line. When we met I liked what saw. In front of me a 5'8" creamy mix of puerto rican, african american and native american. With green eyes that conveyed a gentle sincerity. Not to mention a smart mouth with a smile to warm you from the inside. In his ad he claimed to be 36 y.o. which I later found out was a lie. But I gave him credit because he didn't look a day over 32. He revealed his birthday was coming up this weekend. I had to say I was impressed, why was this fine specimen still single? He had to have a boyfriend or lover stashed away somewhere. He introduced himself as Santos but told me most people call him J. short for 'Junior'. I asked if it was alright if I called him Santos in stead. He agreed. The sex was really good. More akin to lovemaking. He marveled in my physical attributes telling me how beautiful I am and asking why I covered my face in growing facial hair. He moaned in pleasure when I tongued his backside, "where did you learn to eat ass?" Santos and I were enjoying one another's company. I even got too honest and told him "I wanted to make love to him, not just fuck" him. He responded by saying he thought that was "so sweet". Dopey, I know but latin men love affectionate partners. During and after our session I was amazed that I totally ignored this guy for a month. I told him I was so sorry for doing so and he told me not to even worry about it. Even so, I was trying to figure out why anyone would want to hurt someone so smart, sexy, and beautiful. Yeah, I started catching feelings for him. Afterwards, we laid together while he checked his facebook account on his laptop (which, by the way, stayed on the bed while we got busy). He asked me about going jogging with him around the block sometime. "And afterwards we could have hot sweaty sex." I was reluctant but I finally said "yes" knowing the impact of such a workout wears on your joints.

Before we left Santos' apartment we exchanged a long hot kiss while I embraced his smaller yet sturdy body. Ohhh... the scenarios I could come up with. "Maybe you could be my daddy and sleep with me." I thought: For real?! On the reg?! I was cautious and said "That's a large possibility." On the train ride home I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Something in my life was finally going right in my life. I was closer to feeling a little complete. Even took his "daddy" comment into consideration. Was I really willing to give up bachelorhood for a man who would make my every fantasy a reality? Yeah, I sure was. Later on, after I got home I suddenly had thoughts of rimming Santos' hole like earlier. I even texted him stating I "loved his sweet hole" and it was so good I think he "laced it with cocaine". He found that humorous. Then came the question: what's the requirement for becoming your "daddy"? Santos only responded "Let's go with the flow, baby." Ok, ok, ok, my dick was getting the best of me here so I decided to hang back and chill. So I waited four days later to send him a text just to say 'hello' but didn't receive any answer. Maybe he was busy? I'll give him that. I also called him to see what was up and to make sure he was okay. A couple of days later my roommate, Kenny woke me up to go to Jacob Riis beach. I'm glad he did because later on that afternoon who did I see but Santos Feliciano walking down the beach with a latino friend in tow. I could tell it was him by the tattoos on his body.

I decided the following Monday that I would test this asshole to see if he was really avoiding my calls and texts. I called him after 2pm in the afternoon on my roommate's landline phone. Guess who didn't hesitate to pick up on the second ring. Santos was cordial and didn't act surprised. I fed him a lie I was at my friend's house and I couldn't find my phone after a party last night. I asked him about his weekend. He claimed to be upstate when he was really at the same beach as myself that Saturday. Or did he have a twin? I told him I was planning on going to see a movie and invited him along. I told him I would call him at 7pm. Think he caught on to my lie? Who cares. I can't believe this is the same asshole who requested to become my friend on facebook just days ago. When I called him later in the evening like I told him I would he never answered. I even called twice! Santos was a pussy who couldn't express to me in words that maybe I was too willing to establish a relationship with him, even if I just wanted to chill like stated in his profile. I can see why he couldn't be up front with me even though I just wanted to be friends. Shit, so many men have hurt him that ignoring others' genuine interests in him is the only way he knows how to communicate. Or was he ignoring me just the same way I did before I met him? Understandably so. "Ok, I can take a hint." was my last text to him two days ago. On his facebook profile he posted how he was turning 40 and still looked good. How fucking shallow is the one who calls others shallow now? Santos could have easily texted back his disinterest but instead he ducked and dodged my calls like I was a collection company. If you're not interested in me be a fucking man and tell me so. You owe it to someone who answered your profile and came to you honestly and with an open heart. So, fuck you Santos Feliciano! You effective annihilated whatever was left of my faith in the decency of human beings. You don't deserve the love or dick of a strong black brother because you're just as shallow as the people you claim reject and victimize your sorry ass. Email him at feliciano725@yahoo.com if you feel the same way or call him at (347)661-9509. I should have listened to my grandmother and stayed away from those yellow-skinned mongrels. Stupid me.

My New Business Venture

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I Hate Uncertainty...

It seems to come up so often now I should just accept that to be original and keep your sanity you have accept the fuckery of the world and the people who occupy it. Not only is my temp job at Time Warner Cable stressing me out making me worry if I'll have a job next month to keep me out of the red. My ex-lover of 3+ years is kicking me out of his apartment I have less than 28 days to move out and find a place to live. Asshole even posted a couple of fleabag motels on the bathroom mirror for me to stay in. Fucking asshole.