Everyone's a critic!

Both weekend performances of "Friendly Fire" went incredibly well. Friday night was the most anticipated since we didn't get a tech rehearsal because of the cost. I was a ball of nerves as I had just fractured one of my back tooth eating a crunchy french fry (you heard right)and got on the phone to my mother as I didn't have insurance. Later that afternoon Darryl announced that he didn't want to go and bring his friends because he didn't want our relationship to come out. That reminds me to never use the word "friend" to describe your lover, especially in front of him to save face. I fretted for hours even though he told me not to. Like it was going to help, he knows I get obsessive. Although we were both nervous as to how it would be received both Josh and I went at it like we'd done it before an audience. After our scene ended and we took our bows and striked whatever props from the stage. According to Larissa we ran exactly 25 minutes. 25 minutes! It was as if only 3 minutes went by while we were in the space. Everyone was touched by our performance. A former vietnam veteran shook my hand and thanked me for my portrayal and it make me feel my work was validated. This, people, is why I continue to perform even when it's not for money. Joseph Lizardi was impressed and expressed strong interest in working with us again. Evan, my friend and pledge brother and his wife Zabrina were in attendance as well as long time friends Alan and Eileen. Afterwards, Alan and Eileen took me out to dinner and we discussed how I'd gotten into acting and modeling. It was a very good evening and they truly enjoyed the work I'd done. By the end of the evening there was something they said that continued to ring in my ear: what I do for money. They suggested bartending but it says alot when the people that paid for you to attend college expect you make a living in something other than what you studied. I didn't let that gnaw at me for long. After all, I've been struggling to find work, even auditioned for a job at Coldstone Creamery (yes, you heard me right) only to be descriminated against because I was "too old".
The following Saturday I'd just gotten the bad news that the tooth that was fractured needed to be extracted. I wouldn't have any problem with the removal if it didn't affect my performance later on. Funny, I don't have any coverage but soon as I get a full-time job I'll get that tooth removed and get a crown put in. Hard to believe they cost $1500 on 50% co-pay. Insurance companies claim it's cosmetic but everyone is fully aware that your socio-economic status is determined by how many teeth you have in your mouth. Just ask any wealthy hillbilly. Darryl told me he decided he was going to attend the performance later on that evening. Personally I didn't care if he did or didn't. I was just tired of his bullshit drama. The only drama I was looking forward to was the one on the stage. I finally left Darryl and the apartment after 4 p.m. to make it before 6:30 p.m. but suddenly ran into train drama due to weekend construction. After getting off of the Q train at Atlantic I found I couldn't transfer to a 2 or 3 train to catch the 1 in Manhattan. Soon, I found myself on a 4 which I got on but got off a Borough Park to catch a 2 or 3. No dice, so I jumped back on the 4 and decided to transfer to a C train because I was well aware of the fact that the B train doesn't run on weekends. Are you with me so far? Good, because somewhere in between I phoned Larissa and told her I was running late. She assured me that it was no problem because the trains were all messed up. After reading the posters scattered about in Fulton Street station I found that 2 trains were running on the 5 line and visa versa. Jumping back on a 4 train I rode it all the way up to 42nd Street, transferred to a 2 train and got off at 72nd Street station. Once I got to the theater Darryl was already waiting! For 10 minutes I expressed my displeasure at the MTA and the fact that they are talking about raising the fare, this after approving that air-clearing bullshit congestion bill. Bloomberg and his cronies in NYC government are full of shit! 'Nuff said. After the performance we were praised once again. I was even told by Darryl that people we were holding their breath, some even sobbed. I was very appreciative that Crystal and Darryl's sister, Tia could make it to my performance that evening since it was a first time for both of them. Even though our performance was emotionally charged and struck a note with people in the audience, Crystal was diasppointed. "That's all I get for $20 dollars?", she brayed. "But he cried real tears," Darryl said defending me. She continued, "you bet start tap dancin' or somethin'." You readers have to forgive Crystal, she's from the south and her idea of a good night of theatre is whatever's playing on chittlin' circuit. She's one of the reasons why "The Color Purple" is the only successful on-going black production. When I told her Larissa was talking about extending the performances she could help but be her little 'ol southern self. "Well, I hope they goin' pay you money." She continued to add that I should find something paying money. This coming from a 27 y.o. black woman who still hasn't finished her thesis to receive her Master's degree. What has it been? 2 years exactly. This from a women who's more concerned about looking for Mr. Right and having children instead of concentrating on her well-being. This from a women who keeps asking my boyfriend and I if her ass is "fat". Yeah, Crystal, you're the one to dispense advice on how to run one's life. You know what I realized? That she sounds so much like her mother and I've never even met the woman. This warranted a Texas-sized frozen drink at BBQ because it was clear to me that no matter what you do people are never satisfied.

There are no coincidences...

I just got up at 12:38am after sleeping since Darryl got home. I was really hoping to talk since the relationship between us has been strained as a result of my rejection by BMG. It sucks that money would become an issue, even come between us as a couple like it did my friend Brett and his fiancee, Sarah. Darryl said he'd never want that to happen to us. Funny. After I blew my top I told him I'd be better off making money as a prostitute because it didn't seem as if I was making any progress. He didn't take it too well. He never does. Every time I'm faced with disappointment I keep thinking about how my talents and valuable skills are being wasted on shitty 9-to-5 jobs. I keep thinking how I would be better off dead on in some gutter somewhere where I don't have to complicated Darryl's life any further. God, I never felt more alone at a time when I was in a relationship with someone. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me when shit like what happened with BMG occurs. To think that I went through the trouble of interviewing for a position I wasn't going to get makes me realize how disposable we are in this society. It got me to thinking about my survival; our survival. If Darryl doesn't want me to have sex for money then I feel I have no other choice than to take it from others. As much as I don't want to I feel obligated to risk everything to get the money to support us. I've rarely felt the need to do as such because I've always had a job to support me. But now I have someone who I'm with and I have responsibilities to attend to. Much like Jeffrey Lewis, the character I'm portraying in the play I'm rehearsing for called 'Friendly Fire'. I auditioned for the role last Sunday afternoon because the actor dropped out after he found a paying job (lucky him). According to our director, Larissa we have 11 days to get the script down for the 2 performances coming up on the 21st. Today was the first day of our rehearsals. During rehearsals I catch myself thinking about my predicament because it parallels that of Jeffrey Lewis so much, at least during the action of the play. A former vietnam vet wounded in an unfavorable war he comes seeking a job from an agent at an employment agency just as the agent is about to leave for a romantic rendevous with his wife. The interaction that takes place is nothing less than a war of words. One is a soldier and the other a civilan, they illustrate their different points of view. A few times I found myself at wits end while in scenes as the character coercing the agent to see him instead of taking off for the weekend. That's what good acting is all about; knowing your character's intentions and playing them against your partner's. There's even a line where Jeffrey states that maybe it would be better if he were "dead in some gutter where nobody would give a fuck about him", people like the agent and the country he fought for. In our rehearsal Larissa said something that resonated with me. That "this is the reason for incidents like the Columbine and Virgina Tech shootings." She continued, "this is about people wanting, needing to be seen for one reason or another." That is what I've been trying to do for the length of my career. That's what I was trying to do Friday when I went to that job interview at BMG. I knew I had the skills to perform very well in that position, if given the chance I could have done remarkably well. Unfortunately, I was never given that chance. Is it coincidence that I should take on the role of a man fighting for dignity and the chance to be seen? Of course not. There are no coincidences. God or the universe for that matter puts people in situations where they might seem effective and can learn from them. God wants me to continue acting because it knows that I am searching for something within the human condition. Be it compassion, understanding or just the opportunity to be heard. It knows that I am struggling to comprehend my purpose in the world and why society permits people to do this to one another. Fictious as the play may be there is truth to this drama. Many veterans of this war faced homelessness, unemployment, even discrimination when they returned to the U.S. Many felt they were better off dead and some spiralled into depression and drug abuse, some even took their own lives as a result of what they went through. Heavy stuff. After all is said and done I hope Darryl can understand that I took this role not just as a means of continuing my career, to avoid a paying job but because the universe wants me to learn from the experiences of others.

WTF?!!!!

Well, after some consistant prodding and brooding Darryl convinced me that I needed to get a regular job. "Aren't you tired of living in abject poverty?" Not that I disagreed. Lord knows I'd like to find some consistant work to help with rent and utilities but I've become very selective when it comes to where I apply for employment. Keep in mind that I am still recovering from the toxic shithole that was the Prattstore. As a result, I have much more self-worth and will not let anyone ever do to me what those assholes did. Suddenly, out of the blue I get an email regarding a position at BMG Columbia House. Emilie Kovit-Meyer, the assistant for the VP of Creative wanted to set up an interview for Friday to which I complied. From the description of duties it sounded like something that would be a perfect fit for me. I was psyched! Once Friday came around I was ready and the complete the application the assistant sent me to the best of my ability. My interview with Jim Gallagher went remarkably well and I was told by the hiring manager whom I would ultimately report to should I get the position. He also confided in me that he would be laying off 26 people to consolidate his division because, after all, they were acquiring 17 different book clubs through Doubleday and Random House. Why he told me this I DON'T KNOW! What he was looking for simply, was an assistant. Basically I would have been Ugly Betty. LOL! He went further to tell me that there would be another interview later next week and that I should hear from him. After I left the building I realized I forgot to give the completed application to Jim. Getting past security would have been a bitch so I decided to do the next best thing and mail it off to his office. The following morning I found this message in my email:

Dear ---------,

Thanks so much for coming in to interview for the Creative Coordinator position at
Direct Group North America. Since only so much can be learned from a resume, the
manager greatly enjoyed meeting with you to discuss your career goals.

Unfortunately there is no suitable position for you here at this time. If something
more suitable opens up, we will be happy to consider you again.

Thank you very much for your interest in our company, and best of luck in your job
search.

Sincerely,

Human Resources
Direct Group North America

I was livid. When I first got the letter I didn't want to show Darryl because I would have felt like a failure. Nothing like a rejection letter to fuck up you self-esteem on the weekend and not even within 24 hours!. It couldn't have been because I forgot to submit the application. What more could a application give you that a resume can't other than salary history and your social security number? Why not give a nigga the opportunity to at least realize his mistake first and mail it in. But, No! Completely disqualify the candidate because he didn't give a shitty 2 page application repeating verbatim the same thing on his resume. After speaking to a few people I was told this is accepted among corporations: to advertise the position outside the company to make it fair for others. So it wasn't necessarily the application that made me unsuitable for employment. Why bother having someone go through the trouble of an interview if you're just going to send out a rejection letter the following day -and on a Saturday no less! If this is how corporate America recruits employees I am done looking for a job. I also call for an official boycott of Bertelsmann and it's subsidiaries. For those of you considering employment with BMG Columbia House forget about it because you're only going to get jerked around by corporate bureaucrats in middle management with nothing else better to do.