Saying Goodbye...

Sunday afternoon I phoned my mother to see how things were and tell her about the movie we were shooting the night before. After that and a few conversations about the mundane she mentioned she and her husband Jeffery cleaned out the room in which many of our stuff had accumulated. She said my sister had garbage bags of clothes upon clothes. My brother even had some. "Well, is my foot locker still there along with my box of books?" I asked. "No, I threw them out." I was so angry and have been for 4 days now. "That foot locker had a lock on it meaning there was something of value in it," I protested. "I've been telling you to come and get it for over a year now," she kept saying. I explained that when I moved to college in NY I wanted so desperately to take everything but couldn't do the fact that there was no more room in the car. Without saying more I told her I was so upset I couldn't talk to her anymore. I don't understand, why would you throw out something of someones when you don't know what's in it? There could have been something of great value, sentimental or otherwise in there. She threw out all of my books on obscure subjects and didn't think twice about how I felt. I should have known the week before when I thought to myself that the relationship between my mother and I had grown much better since high school. I thought wrong. I tried to appeal to my grandmother but all she could say was "sorry". Well, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you'll never ever get to know me. You threw out all my memories, everything that made me feel human. In short, you threw away a part of me. All so you can make more room for your granddaughter's unwanted children. If that were the case I would have perferred you'd put my things aside until I could arrange someone to help me move them. Believe me, I had the room to store them. That's the problem with this family, you never consider anyone else's feelings but your own. By throwing out my personal belongings you threw me out. So I have no choice than to leave this family forever. Whether or not you know I was into guys doesn't matter. It's clear you don't want me in your lives. So I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm removing myself and all of my belongs, every image of me from your home. Why? Because you don't want or need to know me anymore. You never really did. It'll be as if I never existed. Later next week I will go back up to Connecticut to get the rest of my belongings, give both my niece and nephew their Christmas presents and then leave without saying so much as "goodbye". After I return to New York I am going to change my phone number and never speak to my family again. I knew this day was coming for years. I knew eventually I would have to let go and find my own way in the world. Should I have runaway to New York back at age 13 when things were unbearable for me? Yes. I would have been much more successful and had quite a childhood. I can't imagine how hard this is going to be on my niece and nephew but I think my grandmother, Mee mee is probably going to take it hardest. She pretty much raised me. Even after telling her I didn't want her sympathy and that I refuse to spend Christmas with them this year it will be hard for her to accept that I'm gone. She's always been concerned for me even whenever I was never around. I really don't want her to worry but I have to do this for my own good. As for my mother, she and I never really had a maternal bond. Maybe it was because she said she found me in a hole where a spaceship had landed up in the schoolyard near our house. Talk about childhood trauma. This could illustrate why I always felt like an alien to my family. Liking boys didn't help much either. Whether or not they opened my foot locker doesn't matter. The fact that they disposed of it like there was nothing to it fills me with a bitterness no one could come near. Is this our relationship? Despite what Crystal or Von have said to convince me that family is important I believe they have lost me as a son, as a grandson and and an uncle. Yes, I take it very personally because they would rather the neighborhood and garbage man find out what a flaming homo their son is than to let me keep my dignity. Yes, Mee mee, I'm sorry it had to come to this but you knew it would. It's better this way because as far as I'm concerned I'm dead to all of you.